Cowboy Prom Diaries

A Narrative by Clyde Goobler

Over the past several weeks, I seen lots of facebook posts about high school proms. I seen kids postin' about goin' to proms, parents talkin' about their kids goin' to proms, pictures of folks with their dates, and all kinds of stuff.  That got me thinkin' back to my younger days of bein' a teenager. I got a lot of dad gum good stories from my high school proms, and the fine folks here at CountryTawk done invited me to share 'em with you.

My first high school prom was durin' my junior year. There were about 50 sweet thangs from my school that wanted to go to prom with me. They were constantly chasin' after me and houndin' me all day every day, each one beggin' me to pick her. After some ponderin', I decided that I didn't want to go with anyone from my school. I just didn't think any of 'em could handle my allsomeness and I had greater aspirations in mind.

While tryin' to figure out what to do, I caught wind of what was goin' on with another high school student up North named Kobe Bryant. Now, y'all now know Kobe as one of the greatest basketball players in the history of the NBA.

But back then, Mr. Bryant was a high school senior in Pennsylvania. The national spotlight was on him cause he was a purdy daggone good basketball player even back then and he was enterin' the NBA draft right outta high school. He done used that spotlight to his advantage and was takin' R&B sanger Brandy to his prom.

Hearin' about Kobe's prom date got my mind crankin'. I was gon' do the same thang. So I busted out a paper and pencil and wrote a letter to actress Alicia Silverstone askin' her to be my prom date.

This was right at the height of her career. Her movie, Clueless, was a big hit. Everybody knew who she was - even my grandmaw, who didn't do nothin' but watch Jerry Springer and knit thangs all day. Anyway, I sent her a picture of myself with the letter. I was just a boy then, but I was still purdy dern good lookin'. I never did hear back from Alicia, and from what I hear, she's been kickin' herself ever since for that poor decision.

Since then, she done faded off into obscurity and I done blossomed into a fiery ball of hotness.

You blew it, girl.

Since plan A didn't pan out, I moved onto plan B and asked a girl from another school to my prom. Her name was Trina, and she was a ballerina. I wanted to go with somebody that would be my equal out on the dance floor.
 

When prom time came around, I went to pick Trina up. When I gitted there, she won't ready yet, so I had to wait. When she finally walked down the stairs to greet me, I knew I had seen the purdiest, most beautiful girl I'd ever seen in my life...

 
...but it won't Trina the Ballerina. It was Trina's friend who was helpin' her do her hair and git all dolled up. Right then n' there, I wished that friend was the one that was my prom date. But she won't, so I had to push that to the back of my mind. I had to be fair to my date, so it was time to say howdy n' git rowdy. Trina and I ended up cuttin' a rug and havin' a good ole time at that yonder prom.

The after prom party was a dang disaster. Since the prom was over, all the girls from my school thought that opened thangs up for them to start comin' after me again, so I was on the run the whole time and didn't git to have any fun at all. One of them girls done got aholt of me and ended up rippin' my shirt.

Exposed cowboy chest = not good. That's when they really started gittin' wild and out of control. I was becomin' a big distraction to the event and feared I was a safety hazard, so I just went on home.

My school's prom was over. My classmates went back to their normal lives and would have to wait another year to go to prom again, but not ole Clyde. You see, thangs was just a gittin' started for me. Girls from schools all in n' around town wanted me to go to their prom with them. I couldn't accommerdate everyone since schedules overlapped n' such, but I ended up goin' to a total of four proms that year.

That's a month straight, folks. You got any idear how much money I spent on tux rentals?

I changed thangs up to keep it interestin' - if I remember right, one time I had a green vest, then a silver one, then a black one, then a white one. The one constant is I never wore one a them sissified bow ties.

 

I wouldn't be caught dead wearin' one of those. And if somebody decides to be funny when I am dead and put a bow tie on me when I'm gittin' buried, my ghost will haunt you and make yer life miserable until you dig me up and git that ugly thang off of me.

Lemme git back on track, here. Prom #2 was the next Saturday. It was the prom for a school the next county over called Brookfield. Before the prom, me and my date went to a fancy Chinese restaurant. She picked it, and I'll be honest - I had never eaten Chinese food up to that point. I was scared cause there were a bunch of kennels with cats in the woods right behind the restaurant. I was in panic mode and was lost lookin' over that menu until somethin' jumped out at me: Beef n' Broccoli.

I figured I couldn't go wrong with somethin' that had beef in it. The food was alright, but I wish I had only known of the deliciousness of Sesame Street chicken back then.

We finished up and headed to the prom. I was curious to see what was goin' down at Brookfield's prom, because there was one thang a whole bunch of dudes at my school said about Brookfield:

You know what's funny? Won't a single one of them dudes from my school there at Brookfield's prom with their "girlfriends". But... this one kid there done brought his dog as his date.

I've heard of folks takin' their cousin, sister, or mom to prom before, but that's the first I'd ever heard of a someone takin' their dog. It was also the first time I'd ever seen a blue tick hound dance. But I will give the feller a little bit of credit - that dog was purdier then some of the girls there.

The next week was prom #3, and this one was a little different. This was the prom of a real nice private school.
 

I had always thought private school was where kids went to git ready to go to college to become doctors that help folks with their yonder parts. 

Come to find out, private school just means that the school don't receive no state fundin' and you have to pay to go there. Go figure.

Anyway, this prom was real borin' and was a big waste of time. The music was dumb as all git out. They didn't even have a DJ to play different stuff. They had a live band, and that band was terrible.


There won't an ounce of wild or rowdy in that place. They wouldn't even let you touch yer date when you danced. It just won't a cowboy atmosphere, so I gitted the heck out of there early.

Then it was time for prom #4. This was the prom for Trina the ballerina's school, but I didn't go with Trina. You remember the purdiest girl I'd ever seen comin' down them steps before prom #1? It turned out she had taken a likin' to me too, so I went with her to her prom and Trina went with a Russian foreign exchange student. That was quite a fall from grace for her, but thangs had done flip turned around for me and I was likin' it.

I took that purdy little thang to the best fancy schmancy restaurant in town beforehand, and you'll never guess who our waiter was - none other than my fellow Sangin' Cowboy, Ray Ray Studebaker.

He even had some special made shorts to wear with his suit and tie and he looked real sharp. After that, it was time to head to the prom. Now, this school was located right in the middle of the city. I swear, it seemed like some of them city girls hadn't ever seen a cowboy before. When I walked in the doors, the reaction was purdy much like this:



Them girls was all grabbin' on my arms and tryin' to pull me away from my date. I'd be dancin' with her and then one of 'em would yank me away and start dancin' with me. It was gittin' annoyin', but after a while, they got the hint that I won't interested.

City folk may do thangs a little bit differently, but they know how to git wild and have a good time. They had an allsome DJ there and folks was gittin' all kinds of rowdy. After a while, some dudes started goin' up on stage with the DJ and started rappin' for everybody.

I decided to wander up there myself and throw down a few lines for them city folks. I may be a great sanger, but I got some rap skills too - I tell ya what. They was feelin' it and we had a grande ole time.

Four proms in a month - whew! That mess wore me out. I knew I couldn't run that gauntlet again my senior year, so I done decided right from the git go that I was gon' stick with my own prom and that was it. But you know me - I still had to do thangs big. By that point, my sexiness was too much for any high school girl to handle. Naw, man. For my date, I brought in the homecomin' queen from a college a couple hours down the road.

To put it simply, that prom was all kinds of allsome. They even played my senior class's official theme song from that year: Puff Daddy & The Family's "All About the Benjamins" rock remix. When they played that, the place went wild.



Despite my senior prom's allsomeness, there were some negatives. That thang was just about ruined by this one dude. He showed up late with his date and I wish he won't have showed up at all. She was wearin' these open, sandal type shoes and...I kid you not...that girl had fungus growin' on her feet.

 
I thought that mess was gon' clear the whole place out. Every time they'd go up to talk to a group of folks, that group of folks would scatter away before they gitted to 'em. One dude couldn't git away in time and he ended up pukin' cause he was so grossed out.

One other big negative is my boy Hubert won't there, and it was my fault. A couple weeks before the prom, Hubert told me about a girl who had asked him to be her date, and he was askin' me if I thought he should go with her. I told him no. He ended up rejectin' her, and the both of 'em ended up stayin' home that night. I done screwed up big time. Hubert, if yer readin' this, I'm sorry, man. I was wrong.

Well y'all, I s'pose that about wraps thangs up. I hope you enjoyed readin' my prom experiences and I hope they provided some insight and entertainment. Thank you for yer time, and thank you for yer pleasure.

-Clyde Goobler